


Death

by myxstorie



Series: 50 Fics: Jin/Kame/Ueda [3]
Category: Japanese Actor RPF, Johnny's Entertainment, KAT-TUN (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-10-15
Updated: 2009-10-15
Packaged: 2018-02-10 05:58:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2013702
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/myxstorie/pseuds/myxstorie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>For Jinface, from <a href="http://community.livejournal.com/japanese_romeo/11681.html">these prompts</a>. Takes place sometime in March 2007 after <a href="http://community.livejournal.com/japanese_romeo/12131.html#cutid1">Mistake</a>, just before Jin's return from LA.</i>
</p><p> </p><p>"What was I supposed to do, Jin?"</p><p>His voice is loud, shrill, and for a moment you worry that he'll disturb the neighbours - until you remember where you are.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Death

"What was I supposed to do, Jin?"

His voice is loud, shrill, and for a moment you worry that he'll disturb the neighbours - until you remember where you are. The Americans build walls far thicker than the ones you're used to back home, but they still aren't enough to block out the couple upstairs. Some nights having to listen to them puts you in a foul mood, but most of the time it just helps you get off.

Your companion is watching you, waiting for an answer, but too late you realise you don't have one for him.

He's changed a lot in the months you've been apart. He's grown into his features, bumped nose and high cheekbones that had looked awkward now accentuate the lines of his jaw, the slant of his eyes, and even when he's angry at you, he's beautiful.

You want him to smile at you, to grin widely and throw himself at you, wrap those gangly limbs around your body and kiss you like you'd envisioned. But he doesn't, he won't. You'd hoped he would be pleased to see you, would understand why you'd left so abruptly and forgiven you. He'd never been able to hold a grudge before, but you'd been a lot of firsts to each other in the past, and this was no different.

"I thought you'd wait for me." Your voice sounds foreign even to yourself, taking a moment to slip back into the familiar Japanese, and you don't like the way he looks at you like he barely knows you.

"You left! Without a word, not even so much as a goodbye. You didn't even tell me you were going!"

The Kame you know would have been upset, wouldn't have been able to finish his sentence around the sobs, but the man in front of you is angry, firm and sure of himself, without a hint of a tear in his eyes. You realise then that while you were away, he's grown up, he's become the man you always knew he would be. You've both changed, and for the first time since you'd stood in Mary's office all those months ago, you're scared. Scared that you've changed too much, that he's changed too much, that it's not going to work anymore. Scared that things between you are too broken to ever be fixed.

"I thought it would be better that way."

"Why the fuck would it be better?!" He cries, eyes wild. Your Kame never swore, barely so much as raised his voice. He's furious, angrier than you've ever seen him before, and you take a step back, worried he'll lash out. Not that you don't deserve it.

"I thought.. I thought.."

"No, that's just it, isn't it? You _didn't_ think. You _never_ think. Did you ever really care about _my_ feelings, or were you just in it for yourself?"

"Of course I care, I lo-"

"Don't you dare say it." You can practically feel the venom in his voice seeping into your bloodstream, flowing through your veins and bringing your heart to a stop. It aches, that spot in your chest that used to feel so full and warm when you saw him, it yearns for him to be yours again so much it hurts.

"Kame, please-"

"You can't fix this, not with a pathetic 'I love you'. If you loved me, wouldn't you have included me in this? I thought I was a part of your life, I thought we told each other everything. That's what happens when you love someone, you include them, you share things. You don't shut them out, you don't keep secrets, you don't do something that's going to change their life without fucking _consulting them first_!" Here are the tears now, and you'd have almost been relieved for their familiarity if seeing them hadn't torn you apart.

You reach for him, fingers brushing across his cheek, and nothing he'd said, nothing you'd seen had hurt as much as the way he flinches away from your touch.

"Tell me what to do," You plead, throat tight and voice shaking, "Just tell me how to fix it, Ueda, he-"

"Don't bring Ueda into this," He interrupts, and you let him. "He's been good to me. He was there for me when you weren't, and he's sweet, Jin, he's really sweet. He makes me happy."

 

You want to believe he's lying, that he's trying to hurt you like you know you've hurt him. But one look into his eyes is more than proof enough.

"Please, Kame," You can't give up, you won't, not without a fight, "I'll do anything, I swear. I love you, I've missed you so much. I wanted to call you every day, but I thought that would just make it harder. Please, I want to fix us, I need you back, just.. Just tell me what to do to make it better."

He looks at you then, really looks at you, and you've never felt so bare beneath anyone's eyes. Akanishi Jin doesn't open his heart easily, and you've just thrown yours on the table before his eyes for him to dissect as he wishes.

He blinks, and you know what he's going to say before he says it. You want to stop him, you don't want to hear it, but he's faster than you are, he always was.

"I don't know, Jin.. I don't know if you can."

His retreating back is the last thing you see, but it's his face that you remember when you're lying in bed that night. He'd looked broken and vulnerable, but there'd been an almost steely resolve in his gaze, as if he'd long resigned himself to this fate long before he'd even stepped foot off that plane. It kills you to know that he thinks it's too late, that he's so sure things are ruined forever.

You know you've broken something important inside him, and you're not so sure you can fix it, either.


End file.
